Thanksgiving blessings

The holiday is over and it was very nice. I cooked; Amy and LeCole cleaned. I thought that was pretty fair. I didn't mind the cooking part and everything tasted the way I wanted it to. LOL! I did clean while I was working so the mess wasn't "too" bad. hahahaha! Yeah, right!

We were blessed to have Amy and Isaiah, Lecole, Devyn, and LeAuna, Keith, and LeCole's boyfriend, Jason for dinner. The menu included turkey, ham, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, green rice, corn on the cob, and dinner rolls. Desserts were apple pie, cherry pie, and carrot cake. We were stuffed. In fact - I'm still stuffed. Sure enjoyed the food though.

I was disappointed to not hear from Ron's kids on Thanksgiving Day. We had invited Tim to dinner but not Stacey or Aaron. We figured Stacey would go eat with her in-laws and Aaron would just eat with his mom and step-dad. Come to find out, Stacey AND Tim both ate at Karen's house - which is just about 1/2 mile away. Not one of them called their dad, came to see their dad, or anything else. A simple phone call would have been nice. We didn't even get a rejection reply from Tim. I'm sure Ron is more upset about it than he lets on. I'm the one that is totally upset by it. One of these days, Ron will be gone and they will wonder why they never called him or came to see him. He is very down about his health and how limited in his movement. The only thing that never changes is the amount of pain that he is in.

But, he's still alive and kicking - which I think is a blessing. He's not so sure.

I have the best teacher...

School is going well. My first two classes finished with an A+ in each. My third class ended last week and it was also an A+ (Corporate Finance, no less - what a shocker; but since it was mostly a paper writing class - and I can write papers - I did well). The fourth class doesn't end until December 20 and there is quite a bit of writing for it as well.

This class is very interesting as it's an educational philosophy class. The early philosophers (Aristotle, Plato) really laid the foundations for later philosophers to follow (Bacon, Locke, Descartes, and more). Many of these have similar thoughts and ideas concerning education and many of these have very differing ideas.

This week, we are studying Jean Jacques Rousseau, Pestalozzi, Comenius, Froebel, and Elkind. On Thursday of each week, we have a post due regarding a discussion question. By Sunday, we have to reply to at least two other posts and also do some other assignment (varies each week). They're not hard but do take some time, especially for me because I don't like to do anything half-way and if we're to respond to two, I usually respond to five or six. My case studies are longer and my papers are longer. That's just how it's done. It works for me and I have an A+ so far to show for it.

With Ron's surgery this week, I got behind. For some reason when I sat down tonight, I thought I was working on my Thursday assignment - which I was, but it's FRIDAY. So, I sent the teacher a note and explained that life had gotten in the way of my best laid plans, Ron had surgery, I was behind, and didn't realize that I was a day late. I also asked her some other questions on a couple of issues I have about other assignments that I cannot quite do because of Ron's health.

She is fantastic. She sent me back the nicest note and said that we would work outside the box for me and that with my crazy life, she was more than willing to be very flexible with what I had left to do.

I told her I thought I could just kiss her. LOL - but I was serious.

Well...

I know I said I wouldn't post again until I had something positive to say. I do...

Since my last test, Ron has seen the gastro and had a motility study (which was negative) and this past Monday he had surgery. Now, a colonoscopy with polyp and hemorrhoid removal is not a major thing; in fact, it's usually pretty minor. What most people don't realize is that nothing with Ron is a minor thing. They had to do light general anesthesia because of his sleep apnea, and had to put a tube down his throat. In doing so, they scratched his throat and pinched his top lip. His lip is still swollen but not as bad as it was and his throat finally doesn't hurt.

Dr. Porter said he removed several very LARGE items from the area and some smaller polyps. He told me that he did some pretty major work there and that Ron would be very sore. He was not kidding. If this was someone who could take care of himself, it would still be a pain in the rear (pun intended) but with Ron he doesn't really have the manual dexterity to run the bidet and he absolutely cannot get into a tub of water (with his foot the way it is, he cannot submerge it into water). Plus, he's supposed to use the bidet each time he goes to the restroom. It's been pretty hectic trying to get him his "scheduled" times for soaking and then adding the extra times for soaking.

Ron's been on his normal pain medication routine (Fentanyl patches, Lortab) and got Percoset added. He says he's in as much pain tonight as he was on Monday. Poor guy. Can't sit, can't stand, and not too terribly comfortable lying down, either. I feel so sorry for him (and for myself just a bit as well; when he's up then I'm also up). I'm sure he will be very glad when things start feeling better.

But - PRAISE GOD - there was no cancer! That makes this a very positive post.

Ramblings from the mind of a tired person

I am, in a word, exhausted…

I took Ron to see our family doctor on Monday and she referred him to a gastroenterologist. We saw that doctor on Tuesday. Ron had to swallow a capsule containing little B-B-type things and on Sunday, he’ll get an x-ray of his colon to see how many are still in his system. Then, on the 9th he’ll have a colonoscopy to determine if he’s got anything growing there that he shouldn’t have. Not sure how long before we get test results back on those. Dr. Alvarado’s office called today to say his thyroid function was a bit down, so they’ve called in another medication for him to take. What’s one more anyway, when you already take 10-12 per day???

I guess I still have a Vitamin D deficiency; I’ve been on over-the-counter medication for a while now and it doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, so I get a new medication, too. Oh joy… I can hardly wait.

The hole in Ron’s right foot is not healing. It looks like someone has sliced down into the meat of his foot about an inch. That doesn’t sound like much, but it sure looks like a LOT when you’ve got a hold of the foot and you’re looking directly into the hole. Ron goes back to see Dr. Heady on November 4th. I don’t think he’ll be too happy with how it looks. The callous is growing over the hole, but the hole itself is not healing. We really cannot afford physically, emotionally, or financially for Ron to have any more surgery on that foot or for the wound vac to be put back on. I think Ron would refuse and I can’t say that I would blame him. We’ve already been five months trying to get this to heal. He’s not walking much at all – mostly just around the house – so it’s not like he could stay off of it much more than he already is.

On November 16, Ron sees a neurologist to determine what can be done, if anything, to help stop the tremors. Even when he is resting, you can frequently look at him and see his whole body twitching; some days it is worse than others. I will sometimes just put my hand over his and hold onto it, hoping, I think, that the pressure of my hand will stop the movement. It usually doesn’t but sometimes I feel that I just have to do something. It’s all so depressing. Last night, I woke up to him squeezing on my arm, so I asked him what he needed. He wanted to know why I was waking him up; he didn’t know he was twitching enough that it felt like he was squeezing me. He is very depressed over the whole situation. There are a couple of class action lawsuits against the makers of the medications he took that have been proven to cause these tremors, but because he has so much other stuff wrong with him, no attorney will take the case. So, others with fewer symptoms will get compensated but he will probably just get worse and worse until he can no longer do anything for himself.

Ron is pretty depressed and upset right now that people he believed cared about him don’t pick up the phone and call or come by to see him. Some of them have said “well, he can call us if he needs anything” but they just don’t get it – he can’t see the numbers on the phone (they blur as he tries to concentrate on them) and his fingers don’t often hit the right numbers when he’s trying to dial. Even on his cell phone, which is easy to use, he’ll frequently hit 2-3 numbers at the same time and the wrong one will register. He is not supposed to drive, so he can’t go visit. Even if he could drive, he can’t walk far enough unaided to get into a house or up stairs. Whatever happened to people visiting shut-ins? Am I just expecting too much from people – people in the ministry whose JOB it is to minister to those in need? If someone could tell me that I’m out of line, I’ll concede and move on. I’ve mentioned to more than one person – people who are in touch with ministers and lay persons who visit the sick – that Ron would really love to have someone come visit him during the day to pray with him or read the Bible to him. What kind of response have I gotten? None – no one – zip – nada. My next phone call may be to the Mormons because I know they’ll visit and read the Bible to him.

This all kind of sounds like I’m whining – and I guess I am. I don’t know if it goes with the territory or if I’m just being difficult. Lord knows, he doesn’t want to be in this situation any more than I want him (or I) to be in it. He said the other day that he really feels like he’s going downhill and he doesn’t know how to stop it. I am so numb to everything that I don’t even know how to react to something any more. I think I have to stay back just a step so I don’t have a nervous breakdown thinking about all the stuff that’s wrong with him. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, but I’m to the point that I don’t need to hear about every new pain he’s got, or that his hands are stiffer, or that he can’t grip something, or that when he tries to hold a fork he gets spasms up his arm. I just don’t know how to deal with all of it. TMI! TMI! TMI! (just kidding…)

I don’t like the position that I’m in any more than I like the position that he is in. I feel a tremendous burden and weight on my shoulders with all that I’m responsible for. My house is a mess (I’m too tired or too busy to clean) and I just look at it, then go into the bedroom and shut the door. No one is really cleaning. Everyone picks up, but no one is really cleaning. My back can't stand the heavy stuff like moping and running the sweeper so Amy will run the sweeper but no one dusts unless it’s me. LeCole is busy doing endless loads of laundry (LOL - I don't remember ever doing that many clothes during a week but I guess I did since I had three at home) and will sweep some if Amy's not home. I usually clean the hall bathroom but I can’t even begin to say when someone has last mopped. When I go into the kitchen, I’m usually picking up dishes, loading or unloading the dishwasher, cleaning off the counter, turning out lights, clearing stuff off the table, taking out trash, etc. There is always something to pick up and put away.

This ended up being way longer than I intended – but I did say “ramblings” in the title. I promise, my next post will be much lighter and I’ll be in better humor. This is the only place I have where I can vent. I can leave it here and move on because I’ve got it off my chest. I do spend a lot of time talking to the Father about my troubles and I know that He has me securely in the palm of His hands, and He will guide me through. I know that with the very core of my being, but there are those times when I’m still very much a selfish human and want to get out from under the troubles and move on to better pastures.

The rules of life

Rule #1 - Don't get on the scales the morning after having a "girlfriends' weekend out."

Rule #2 - If you broke rule #1, don't sweat the three pound weight gain the girlfriend weekend caused.

Rule #3 - Don't let breaking rule #1 and #2 determine your feelings of success or failure.

Rule #4 - If you can't obey rules 1 - 3, have some chocolate!

The circle of life

I've been finding myself deep in thought these days. Not sure if I'm contemplating my future, reminiscing over the past, regretting parts of it - or maybe a combination of all three. I look at my husband while he's sleeping and wonder what is going on in his body and his mind. I can't help but wonder how much longer I'll be blessed with his physical presence in my life; he'll always be in my life but not always physically. I watch Isaiah at play and marvel at the person that he is. I think about Alexander and Kaitlyn - waiting for that day when I see our baby girl for the first time, lose myself in my love for her, and give Alexander a big hug and kiss from his grandma. I want to catch up on all the things that I've missed on his growing and where he'll go from here. What goes on in his mind? What is he thinking and how can I get him to share it with me?

There is a circle of life that encompasses us all – dream – hope – faith – live. You can’t have one without the others and life is not complete without hopes and dreams. I have to admit, I am a dreamer. Dreaming gives me hope for the future, for without hope you have nothing. So, there you have a continuous circle… Live…dream…hope…faith…live… the circle of life.

I dream about many things – futures for my children and grandchildren, better health for my husband, happiness for my friends and family, and even how I can be of service to others. I am a “rescuer” and sometimes I dream about being the “rescued” one instead.

Does that make me selfish because I want to be resuced for a change? It's nice to have LeCole here and willing to do Ron's wound care. I can do it, but it's not something I enjoy doing. Amy can do it, but she enjoys it less than I do. If I'm out of town, Keith will come do it but it's not convenient for him to do so. I love having Amy, LeCole, and the kids around and it gives me a break because I don't feel bad when I do leave Ron for a bit. I have gone to KC without him (he can't get into anyone's house because of the stairs) but I don't like to go without him. I did a "girls night out" slumber party last night and had a great time and didn't call him once (shame on me!). But, today when I saw him and realized how badly he feels I felt bad that I didn't call him last night or this morning.

Oh well - life goes on and we do the best that we can.

I could cry, but it wouldn't help

And, I get anxiety attacks when I can't breathe - and we all know that crying really does a number on your sinuses and breathing capability.

Ron's "holey foot" is definitely more holey. Our resident medical assistant says the skin was starting to close over the hole, but it wasn't healing inside. She cleaned it up yesterday and said it's very spongy inside. I tell ya, the man just can't catch a break. LOL - I guess that means I can't either.

We go to see our family doctor on Monday. He asked me this afternoon if I was going to get the doctor aside and tell her my Alzheimer fears. I said no, that I was going to address them straight on. He's not confused like he was last year, but he's definitely not thinking clearly. Giving out his financial information over the phone and then taking medications that he didn't remember taking have indicated even to him that there is a problem going on.

We truly just take one day at a time. We trust in God and believe in miracles. If God's answer for Ron is to take him from this world, then as much as I would hate it and miss him, I know that he would no longer be suffering like he is today. If God's answer is to heal him and restore his health - then I wish He'd get with the program and get it done!

Until then, we'll just keep on keepin' on. Keep those prayers coming.